The Final Problem
by Dr.Indigo
Summary: Sequel to The Breakup. While Wander and Dominator prepare for their new life together, dark forces conspire to bring about the end of the universe. In the eleventh hour, a stranger emerges with the key to their survival, but alas, it comes at a terrible cost. To save the universe, one of our heroes must die.
1. Chapter 1

Well, here it is folks. The beginning of the end. The first chapter of the final installment of my exciting Wander over Yonder Epic. Seems like just yesterday I was writing The Game for a contest on DA. Oh well, no point in dragging this out. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

P.S. This chapter picks up right where the last story left off; give or take a few hours.

The Final Problem: Chapter 1.

Suburbia 17.

The smallest and least visually appealing planet in the entire Low-Rent System.

Although, calling this dinky little rock a planet is perhaps being too generous. For in actuality, said 'planet' was less than one sixteenth the size of a small moon. In fact, Suburbia 17 was so small, that it contained just enough landmass to hold two single-story housing units and one solitary strip of asphalt to keep them separated.

To put it bluntly, it was not the sort of place any decent person would ever want to live.

Which is why it was the perfect hiding spot for someone trying to keep a low profile.

Within the tastelessly furnished living room of House S17-A, that's the one on the left just in case you were wondering, a familiar cloaked skeleton sat in darkness upon a comfortable but hideously upholstered couch; waiting impatiently for his loyal Second to finish his appointed task.

"Ugh! Are you done yet?" he asked childishly. "I've been waiting for _hours_."

"Sir, we've been over this _at least_ a thousand times. The Leaderboard. Is. Down. And refreshing the homepage every five minutes isn't going to make it come back any sooner." Replied Peepers indignantly as he continued to type away at his somewhat new laptop. "Besides, you already know you're in last place, so what's the point of even looking?"

"Uh, _duh_ , Peepers! To scope out the competition. If I'm gonna rebuild my evil empire, then I'll need to know whose butts to kick."

"Sir, I admire your passion, but I'm afraid it's not that simple. Without the Skullship and the other Watchdogs, we're just not setup for conquering planets right now; let alone picking fights with other supervillains. So for the time being, I need you to focus all your excess energy on staying alive. Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." The dark lord said immaturely, before muttering something that sounded like, _Stupid, know-it-all, eyeball_.

"Good." Replied Peepers, apparently overlooking the mumbled insult. "Now if you don't mind, I need to finish updating my resume. There's an opening for a security guard at the local bowling alley, and the pay is just enough to keep us off the streets."

And with that, a sudden awkward silence fell over the room.

For the benefit of those just tuning in, please allow me to shed some light upon this most unusual scene.

After the destruction of over 95% of the Galactic Villain Community, the remaining 5% assumed the worst and… well, they all sort of panicked. Apparently, someone started a rumor a while back that a fanatical religious organization was plotting to exterminate all the evildoers in the universe, and the sudden drop in the local ne'er-do-well popular quickly gave it some credibility. So, in response, many of the surviving no-goodniks opted to either fake their own deaths and go into hiding, or publicly renounce evil and get real jobs. In either case, these random dropouts created such confusion within the GV Community, that the admins running the GVLB were forced to shut the site down until they could make sense of all this madness.

Five weeks later, and still no Leaderboard.

To make matters worse, when the other Watchdogs stationed across the galaxy learned of their fearless leader's supposed demise, they too reacted rather hastily. In their case however, they merely looted everything they could get their grubby little hands on, and fled the galaxy in a mass exodus.

By the time Lord Hater was finally released from the hospital, he was almost completely broke. Fortunately, years ago, Peepers had nagged him into creating an ultra-secret, off world account for just such an emergency. Unfortunately, the dark lord had forgotten about said account long ago, and thus hadn't put any money into it in quite some time. So when the time came to dip into the emergency fund, the two former conquerors barely had enough scratch to rent their new 'base of operations' and keep themselves fed.

There, now that you're all caught up, we now return you to your regularly scheduled story already in progress.

"Look, Sir, about earlier. I'm sorry if I was too harsh." The Grand Watchdog said after an uncomfortable period of silence. "I'm just under a lot of stress right now, but I promise, this whole situation is only temporary. Once we raise enough capital for a new ship we can start hiring some new foot soldiers, and then everything will be just like it was. You'll see."

"Yeah… whatever." The dark lord replied listlessly.

"No, really. It should only take about… a year… or two. But hey, just imagine what you can accomplish with all that free time."

"Like what?"

"Well… you could… take up gardening. Or… maybe develop an appreciation for opera. I don't know. Just… do something constructive."

"Yeah… whatev…"

 _PING!_

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That ping just a second ago."

"I didn't hear anything."

"Well, it was probably the computer. Go and check the leaderboard again."

"But, Sir, we just checked it…."

"Just do it!"

"Alright, alright, but it's not gonna… Oh, what do you know. It's back up."

"Ha! I knew it! Okay Peepers, what am I up against?"

"Hold on, let me just… oh…"

"What? What is it?"

"Sir, you're really not gonna like this."

" _What_?"

"Well… it looks like there were more deserters than we thought. Including you, there's only three names on the board."

"Who cares! Just tell me who my competition is!"

"Okay, okay. Let's see… in third place, with zero planets, there's you. Then directly above you, with a grand total of three, we have Something the So and So. Then, last but not least, in first place, with a whopping one hundred and ninety-six planets, we have… oh…"

"What? Who is it?"

"Uh… say, how do you feel about having pizza tonight?"

"Don't change the subject! Now tell me who's in first!"

"Well Sir, it's uh… Ted."

" _Ted_?"

"Yes, Sir… Ted."

" ** _Ted_**. As in, my old accountant, **_Ted_**? As in, the guy who embezzled a huge chunk of my fortune and **_stole_** at least fifty of my hard-conquered planets? **_THAT TED_**?"

"Um… yes."

" ** _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR_**!" screamed the dark lord; taking the news much better than Peepers had expected. "That's it! I **_quit_**!"

"Quit?" the Grand Watchdog repeated the word as if it were gibberish. "What do mean you quit?"

"Just what I said! I quit! I'm done! I don't want to live in this galaxy anymore!"

"B-B-B-But Sir, you've worked too long and hard. You can't just give up on villainy now!"

"I'm not quitting villainy, stupid. I'm quitting this whole stinking galaxy!"

"What?"

"Peepers, I **_refuse_** to live in a place where I'm outdone by an indecisive whatsit and a backstabbing accountant. I could take losing to Dominator. Heck, I could even take losing to Awesome. But **_this_**! This is too much! So start packing your bags, we're starting fresh in a brand-new galaxy!"

"Sir, do you have any idea how insane you sound right now? We can't just pack up and go to a new galaxy."

"Says who?"

"Says the laws of physics! We don't have the Skullship anymore, and your van isn't designed for intergalactic travel! We'd run out of fuel long before we even get close to a new galaxy. And that's assuming we don't starve to death or run out of oxygen first!"

"So, what? You're saying I should just lie down and accept all the crap being thrown at me?"

"For the time being, yes. I'm sorry, Sir, but we just don't have any other options."

"Well, now, I wouldn't say that."

Suddenly, both men's eyes were drawn to the far end of the room, where the owner of the mysterious new voice, a familiar, camo clad, purple skinned female, stood casually in the open archway.

"Ripov?" said Hater; sounding both confused and delighted. "Where did you come from?"

"Oh, you know. Around." The purple huntress replied as she casually sauntered into the room. "Just happened to be in the neighborhood. Noticed your window was open, so I figured, why not drop in."

"Yes, well, that was very considerate of you, _Ripov_. But Lord Hater and I were in the middle of a very important discussion. So I think its best that you just shove off before I …"

"Peepers, where are your manners?" The dark lord cut him off suddenly. "Ripov came all this way just to see us, and now you wanna throw her out? For shame, Peepers. For shame."

From the Grand Watchdog's perspective, his master's intensions were as transparent as a Trzylian Fizzle Snake. But since there was no apparent danger, aside from a sudden spike in his blood pressure, he elected to hold his tongue; if only for the moment.

"Say, Ripov, you look a little tired. Why don't you come have a seat next to me?"

"Well thank you, Killer. Don't mind if I do." She replied graciously, as she plopped down on the couch beside him. "Ah~ That's the ticket. Anyway, I couldn't help but overhear that little screaming match you guys were having. Do you _really_ wanna leave the galaxy _that_ bad?"

"Are you kidding? I'd give my left arm to get out of this star swirl of suck."

"Well then good news, Killer. Cuz I got just what the doctor ordered." Ripov said swaggeringly, as she pulled a small object from out her back pocket and held it up for the two of them to see. "Ta-dah~"

To Hater's untrained eyes, the object appeared to be nothing more than an ordinary pair of scissors; albeit one made of solid gold and covered in rare black opals. But to Peepers, however, they were _so_ much more.

"Are… are those Dimensional Scissors?" he asked, already suspecting the answer. "Those are rare in this part of the universe. Where did you get them?"

"Found 'em in the wreckage of Dommie's old battleship. Reckon she had some big plans for 'em somewhere down the line before she lost her home base. Oh well, her loss is our gain."

" _Our_ gain? What _our_? There is no _our_! _You_ are not a part of this team!"

"Oh yes I am. These Scissors are mine, and if you want 'em, then you gotta take me too."

"Who says I want them. I've already got a plan to put Lord Hater back on top."

"Oh yes, your _brilliant_ plan to work at a bowling alley until you can afford a new ship. Get real, Peeps, at minimum wage it'll take you twenty years to raise that kind of scratch, and that's if you're lucky. But with _these_ , you can skip all that crud and get right back to business. And all it will cost you is a heartfelt invitation."

"No way! It was bad enough working with you in that stupid alliance! You couldn't _pay_ me to relive that nightmare! I don't care how many pairs of Dimensional Scissors you have!"

"Oh, but these aren't just ordinary Dimensional Scissors. These are special. They're called Traveler's Scissors, and they have the power to destroy an entire universe."

"I don't care if they can turn frogs into rocket fuel! I will _never_ , I repeat _NEVER_ , let you join this team!"

"Well then it's a good thing it's not _your_ decision." Lord Hater spoke up suddenly; sounding very much like his old, pre-Wander, self. "Last time I checked, _I'm_ still the boss around here, Peepers, and I say she's in."

"What!"

"Sweet!"

"Sir, you can't be serious!"

"Oh, I'm dead serious, Peepers. Those scissors are my ticket to ultimate power."

"But Sir, Ripov's a lunatic. She could be up to something. This _can't_ be a good idea."

"It's probably not a good idea. But if I can use those things to wipe everyone I hate off the face of reality, then it's not a bad idea either."

And with that, Peepers merely let out a miserably sigh of defeat.

His master was far beyond the point of reason now.

"So, Rip." The dark lord said in a tone that could only be described as flirty. "How exactly do these… Traveler's Scissors work?"

"Funny you should ask, Killer." Ripov replied, treating the cloaked skeleton to a flirty tone all her own. "As it turns out, these puppies have quite the history."

"Really? Do tell."

"With pleasure." She said delightedly, pausing for only a moment to clear her throat. "Once upon a time, in a land far, far, far, far, far, _far_ away from here, there lived a great and powerful being known only as the Queen of Darkness."

End Notes:

The Queen of Darkness is also owned by Disney. Just in case you didn't already know. Anyway, that's the end of Chapter 1. I hope you all liked it. And please don't forget to fav, follow, or leave a review before you leave. Until next time, Peace.


	2. Chapter 2

Not much to say, so I'm gonna make this brief. Wander over Yonder is, as always, owned by Disney. So with that out of the way, Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Chapter 2.

( _One Week Later_ )

Satellite 9.

A fully automated, self-sustaining, five-star luxury hotel in orbit around the desolate ice planet Cryo-Bhal.

Not nearly as luxurious as the Golden Guava Hotel of Cabo Lunara, but then again, what is?

Still, with its three indoor pools, two indoor tennis courts, world class casino, and spectacular dining options, Satellite 9 was a little slice of heaven all its own.

Which is why Queen Demurra, supreme ruler of the Ben-Drax System, thought it would be the ideal location for her new BFF's big day.

It was about half past midday, and the air within Suite 17 was thick with the scent of lavender and lilac. Dominator had never had much use for perfume before, so when the time came she had almost no idea how much to use. Eventually, she decided that when it comes to the most important day of her life, it's better to wear too much perfume than too little. Hence the cloud of semi-toxic, sweet smelling smog wafting through the air.

But alas, I diverge from the point.

What matters is that Dominator was prepping herself for what was sure to be the greatest day of her life.

And she was _ecstatic_.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~" the former villainess squealed delightedly as she carefully slipped into her wedding dress. "I can't believe this is really happening~"

"Well believe it, sister." Replied Queen Demurra; sitting comfortably in her wheelchair on the other side of the changing screen. "Just think, in less than two hours you'll be Mrs. Wander… eh… Mrs… What is Wander's last name anyway?"

"Well… technically Wander isn't his real name. So I'm not gonna be Mrs. Wander anything."

"Oh, okay. Then what is his real name?"

"Sorry, Blondie, but that's confidential. It's between him and me. And maybe the baby. You know, when she's old enough."

"She? I thought you guys didn't know the gender yet."

"We don't. At least, not officially. Wander insisted on it being a surprise. But I've just got this feeling, you know. Something in my gut tells me it's gonna be a girl."

"Sounds like Mother's Intuition to me." The crippled queen said warmly. "So, does this mean you already have a name in mind?"

"I've got a couple ideas. But I think I'll keep them to myself for now. You know, just in case I'm wrong."

"Oh come on, you can tell me. Please~ I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Alright, alright, jeez." Dominator replied, sounding more than slightly irritated. "It's not like it's a big deal or anything. I was just thinking, if it's a girl, that maybe… Cassandra might be nice."

"Cassandra." The Queen repeated; wanting to see how the named rolled off her tongue. "Oh, that's a lovely name. How'd you come up with it?"

"It was my mom's."

"Oh… okay." Demurra said awkwardly; remembering that this was a particularly touchy subject for her friend. "So… you really want to name your baby after your mother?"

"Yeah. You got a problem with that?"

"No, no, no, no, no. I was just saying that… well, you said it yourself; she wasn't exactly an ideal parent."

"Yeah, I know. But she wasn't exactly a horrible one either. She did love me, after all. And we had plenty of good times together; in between all the bad ones."

"Look, it's your baby, and if you wanna name it after your mother that's your business. I'm just saying, Wander might not be as keen on the idea as you are."

"Maybe not, but I'm a lot better at arguing than he is, so I don't think I need to worry."

"So long as it's a girl."

"Exactly. And… done!"

"Really? Are you sure? I mean it's only been three hours."

"Ha, ha, ha. Do you wanna see the dress I picked out or not?"

"Of course, what do you think I've been doing, waiting for a bus?"

"Alright, alright, keep your skirt on. And prepare to be _amazed_ ~"

And with that, Dominator stepped out from behind the screen and modeled her new dress as only she could.

"TADA~"

To her credit, the former villainess' choice in bridal wear was nowhere near as revealing as Demurra had expected. In fact, it looked almost exactly like an ordinary, traditional wedding dress; save for one minor detail.

"It's… red."

"I know~ Isn't it _gorgeous_ ~"

"Yes, it's very… stunning, but… aren't wedding dresses usual white?"

At this, Dominator suddenly burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

"What? What did I say?"

"Oh… it's nothing, Blondie…" the bride-to-be replied, in between hysteric chortles. "It's just… _me_ in _white_. Even I couldn't keep a straight face."

"Yeah, I guess I see your point." Said Demurra, before she too succumbed to the absurdity of the idea and burst into a laughing fit of her own.

And so, the two went on.

Laughing away while the rest of the hotel was feverishly preparing for the main event.

XXX

( _Meanwhile, in a different room, several floors down_ )

"And… there! Perfect." Said Sylvia, having just put the finishing touches on her bosom buddy's black bowtie. "Huh, you know, for a planet hopping bum, you sure do clean up nice."

"Well, thank you kindly, Syl." The orange nomad replied pleasantly. "Say, where'd that mirror get to anyway?"

"It's right behind you, Wander. Just like the last six times."

"Oh, right. Sorry." He said embarrassedly. "Guess I'm just a little nervous. Makes me sorta forgetful."

"Yeah, well, just don't forget which girl you're supposed to marry and you'll do fine."

"Yeah." The old wanderer said, scratching the back of his head, as the two broke into a short, but good natured chuckle.

However, when their laughter finally died down an awkward silence fell over the room.

"So…" began the furry nomad, in an attempt to break said uncomfortable quietude. "How about that Bachelor Party?"

"Yeah, that was really something." The blue Zbornak replied. "Probably a new record too. I mean, I've never heard of one lasting more than a day; let alone six weeks."

"Eyup. It was a farewell tour for the ages. What was your favorite part?"

"Oh, I don't know. Camping out in the Diamond Forests of Dax was pretty cool. But then again, so was winning that surfing contest on the Ivory Coast of Malamaroo."

"Don't forget about exploring the Lost City of Poosh or trekking across the Lava Fields of Demonius 5."

"How could I? That Doom Dragon nearly bit my head off. But that wasn't nearly as exciting as finding the Legendary Giant Emerald of the Forever Storm, or saving that small town from Nicky Le Chance's illegal gambling empire."

"Yeah, those were pretty neat. But personally, I liked defeating that Voodoo Cult on Samaday 3 and rescuing all those villagers from that avalanche in the Ying-Ying Mountain Range."

"Cruising down the canals of Pasta Fazula."

"Studying the ancient Dreamtime techniques with the Shamans of Never-Never."

"Winning that Dogfighting Competition on Vliegtuig 12."

"Rescuing Princess Fwee from the Warlord of Chin."

"Battling the Pirates of Blood Bath Bay over the Treasure of Scab Island."

"Solving the Unsolvable Riddle of the Pan-Dimensional Mega Sphinx."

"Wait, I don't remember that one."

"Oh right, you were in the bathroom at that gas station on Zizzix. Sorry."

"Eh, no biggie. So what was the answer?"

"Believe it or not, it was rocky road ice cream."

"Seriously?"

"I know, I couldn't believe it either. That riddle was like nine stanzas long, and it made absolutely no sense. So to get it over with, I literally just said the first thing that popped into my head."

"And it turned out to be right? Wow, talk about lucky."

"I know, right. Boy, Syl, you should've seen the look on that Mega Sphinx's face. I thought he was having some kind of stroke."

"I'll bet. Over ten thousand years, and he gets beat by some guy who's not even trying."

"Heh, yeah…" the orange nomad trailed off, before shifting to a somewhat more serious subject. "So… got any plans for after… well, you know?"

"Oh, right…" the blue Zbornak replied, suddenly reminded of the reality of her situation. "Well… I heard a rumor a couple days ago. Supposedly, a group of Zbornak scientists are planning some big expedition to find us a new homeworld. Figured maybe they could use some extra muscle."

"Helping your people find a new home. Sounds like a worthwhile endeavor." The furry wanderer said approvingly. "It's something I've always wished I could do."

"Yeah…" Sylvia replied softly, before forcing herself to finally face the elephant in the room. "So… this is really it, isn't it? The end of an era."

"Yeah, I guess, but you know, you and me, we had a pretty good run. We saved a lot of lives, saw a lot of cool stuff."

"Just wish it could've lasted a little longer."

"Take it from me, Syl. Nothing ever lasts as long as we want it to. That's why you gotta be grateful for every second you get."

"Yeesh, where'd you find that gem, an old placemat?"

"Actually, it's an old Szlarnian proverb, but that's beside the point. Look, Sylvia, attracting forces come and go, that's just the way of the universe. And although it might seem harsh, sometimes the only healthy thing you can do is just sit back and let it fade."

"Wow, that's a little bleak for you, don't you think."

"Yeah, well… oh, what are we doing! It's my wedding day, for Grop's sake! We can worry about the future tomorrow. Today, let's just relax and celebrate. Alright?"

"Yeah… alright."

"Alright, now let's… oh, wait, I almost forgot the cufflinks. Just give me a minute, Syl. I'll be right back."

And then, before she could even try to respond, the orange nomad rushed into the next room; leaving the blue Zbornak alone with her thoughts.

'Okay Syl, you can do this.' She thought to herself as she stared into the eyes of her own reflection; curtesy of the adjacent mirror. 'Wander's your best friend, and he deserves to have the perfect wedding. So just suck it up, smile, and don't think about how much you're gonna miss him when he's gone. Come on, you can do this. Just do this one last thing for him.'

Naturally, her reflection gave no reply, but strangely enough, her internal monologue did relieve a great deal of pent up stress.

'Okay… I think I'm good. Not even sure what I was so worked up about. I mean, it's just a wedding for Grop's sake. What's the worst that could happen?'

End Notes:

Sorry in advance if this chapter seems a little dull. I promise, things will start heating up soon enough. Until then, I hope you had fun and please don't forget to fav, follow, or leave a review before you leave. See you in the next one. Peace.


	3. Chapter 3

Not in the mood for small talk, so let's get things started. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Chapter 3.

( _A short time later in Auditorium C_ )

The walls echoed with a sort of melodious cacophony as the great organ continued with the traditional march. While down in the aisles, the guests all watched with bated breath as the bride slowly made her way towards the altar.

Step by step, inch by inch, she pressed onward; making it seem to all onlookers that time was standing still. Of course, in realty, the trip only lasted about a minute or so, but then the mind does tend to play tricks on one; especially during events as auspicious as this.

But alas, I once again diverge from the point.

Within moments, the blushing bride was standing at the head of the auditorium. To her right stood her future husband and his 'best man'; both looking quite spiffy in their respective formal attires. To her right stood, or rather sat, her maid of honor; visibly forcing herself not to weep with joy. And directly in front of her stood the minister; a tall, green, dragon/octopus like creature in a dark purple robe.

Everything was as it should be.

"Hey, how's everybody doin' today?" said the strange octopus-dragon to everyone in the room; his calm, almost stoned demeanor a stark contrast to his grotesque appearance. "I'm Jeff, and I'll be your minister for this afternoon."

Evidently, Deedee was not the only person thrown by this strange juxtaposition, as a great number of spectators suddenly found themselves gawking at the tall octo-man.

"Okay, full discloser, I've never actually done this before. But, I am fully licensed by the Galactic Commerce Authority. So, you have my word that what I'm about to do is perfectly safe, legal, and tax deductible." He continued, apparently unaware of how many weird looks he was receiving. "So, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get rollin'. _Ahem_. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to…"

XXX

( _Meanwhile, on the other side of Planet Cryo-Bhal_ )

Amidst the glistening ring of cosmic debris that encircles the planet, a lone vehicle lies in wait. For as our heroes proceeded with their blessed union, a familiar trio of troublemakers prepared for a much darker ritual.

 _Incoherent Demonic Whispers_

"Oh, yes, that is a good option." Said Lord Hater to the pair of golden scissors in his hand; as he stood atop the roof of his most beloved van. "But tell me, is this… Hippo Force or whatever really the best that universe has to offer? Cuz, no offense, but if I have to have an arch nemesis, I want something a little better than robot monkeys."

 _More Demonic Whispers_

"Okay, fine, 'cyborg' monkeys. Whatever. A monkey's still a monkey."

 _Snarky Demonic Whispers_

"Okay, now that was just uncalled for."

"Um, Sir, are you… talking to your scissors?"

This sudden intrusion snapped the cloaked skeleton out of his self-imposed trance; reminding him that his underlings were less than a stone's throw away, waiting patiently for their master to announce the name of their new home.

"Er… no…"

"Really? Cuz it looked like you were."

"Well, I wasn't!"

"Okay, if you say so."

"Well, I **_do_** say so!"

"Sir, calm down. There's no need to get defensive."

"I'm not being defensive! I just… Oh, shut up and get back in the van!"

"Alright, alright, jeez."

"Ugh, stupid busybody eyeball." The dark lord muttered to himself annoyedly as his loyal Second-in-command angrily slammed the passenger door; freeing him to shift his focus back on his golden scissors. "So, where were we?"

 _Incomprehensible Demonic Whispers_

"Oh, right, picking my new domain."

 _Even More Incomprehensible Demonic Whispers_

"Hmm… Not bad, but… I'm not really fond of periwinkle. Got anything in a chartreuse?"

"Well, I hope you're happy!" shouted Peepers from down in the cockpit. "He's coming completely unglued and it's all your fault!"

"Oh, relax, you big bag o' sad. He's fine." Replied Ripov offhandedly.

" _Fine_? He's talking to scissors! He's about a jillion miles away from fine!"

 _Still More Demonic Whispers_

"No, that one doesn't sound right either. All that time travel, it just gets so confusing."

"Jeez, take a pill, Peepers. My guy said those things have like a built-in multiverse guide or something. Killer's just checking his options, you know. Making sure he doesn't make any rash decisions."

" _Rash decisions_? You convinced him to abandon the entire frickin' universe! This whole thing is a rash decision!"

 _Yet More Demonic Whispers_

"Plumbers? Seriously? You expect me to fight plumbers the rest of my life. Get real."

"Yeesh, what's the matter, Peepsy? Afraid of a little adventure?"

"Oh, like you're one to talk! You're not even a real villain! You're just an adrenaline happy nut bag!"

 _Still More Demonic Whispers_

"Well, I do like lobster. Let's put that universe in the Maybe Pile."

"Hey, I'm just as evil as the next guy. So why don't you just back off before you get hurt."

"Oh, please, I'd drop you like a fly in two seconds."

 _Almost Sarcastic Demonic Whispers_

"Okay, now that was just inappropriate."

"What's your problem with me anyway? All I've done is provide your boss with the key to ultimate power, and you treat me like I'm the bad guy. What's the deal, man?"

"My _deal_ is that you're a dangerous nut, and a terrible influence on Lord Hater. Why do you even want to join us, I thought you were a hunter?"

 _Even More Demonic Whispers_

"Nah, too many random mutations in that universe. What about the next one?"

"For your information, _Commander_ , the Arachnomorph hunting biz has gotten a little dull these last few months. It just doesn't give me the same jolt that it used to. And after working with you and Killer in that alliance, I realized that villainy is just the spark I've been looking for. Plus, you know, _other_ reasons. Heh, heh, you know. Nudge. Nudge. Wink. Wink."

"Oh _barf_."

 _Still More Demonic Whispers_

"Yeah… I'm not that fond of orange either. Try again."

"But wait, being bored and having a creeptastic crush on Lord Hater doesn't really mesh with moving to a new universe; let alone destroying the old one. So, what's your game?"

"That would be obvious to you, _Peepers_ , if you ever bothered to step outside your pathetic little black and white bubble."

"And just what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

 _Yet More Demonic Whispers_

"Hmm…Maybe… No. No, I'm sorry, but that's just not gonna work for me. What else you got?"

"What it means, _Peepers_ , is that I've been a neutral party my entire life. So I can see things a whole lot clearer than you so-called Pure Evil types. And what I see is a universe where neither side can ever win."

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you ever noticed that whenever a villain becomes too powerful some do-gooder eventually shows up to stop him, or that whenever a planet enjoys an era of peace for too long a villain comes right a long and destroys it? The game is rigged, Peepers! The powers that control this universe won't allow either side to get too powerful. It's all about balance with them. So as long as they're runnin' the show, there's no point in even playing."

 _Yet Still More Demonic Whispers_

"Oatmeal? Are you crazy?"

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! And it still doesn't explain why you wanna leave the universe."

"Well, obviously, if this universe is rigged, then the only sane thing to do is find another one. One where there's at least a chance for evil to triumph."

"Okay, then why do you want to destroy this one?"

"Simple, if I'm gonna pick a side for once in my life, I wanna start off with a big splash. Go big or go home, Peepsy."

"You really are mental, you know that."

"Hey! Will you two keep it down! I'm trying to concentrate up here!" shouted Lord Hater annoyedly.

"Sorry, Sir."

"Yeah, my bad, Killer. We'll keep it down."

"Good, now stay that way." He said sternly before resuming his strange conversation. "Okay, Scissors, I'm done playing around. Now show me a universe worth conquering."

 _Serious Demonic Whispers_

"Wait, what did you just say?"

 _Repeating Demonic Whispers_

"You can do that?"

 _Annoyed Demonic Whispers_

"No! Of course I wanna rule twelve universes at once. I just don't understand how."

 _Exposition Demonic Whispers_

"Super Dragon what?"

 _Continued Exposition Demonic Whispers_

"Really? The size of planets, you say?"

 _Still More Exposition Demonic Whispers._

"So…all I have to do is find these Super Dragon Whatevers, and I can use them to conquer twelve universes at once?"

 _Exasperated Demonic Whispers_

"Sold!"

 _Sigh of Relief Demonic Whispers_

"Alright! Peepers! Ripov! I've made my choice! Prepare for Trans-Universal Warp Jump!"

"Hot Dang, Baby! Wooooo!"

"Sir, wait! Are you absolutely sure you wanna go through with this? I mean, you heard Ripov. Those Scissors have the power to destroy an entire universe! What if you accidently destroy _us_ too?"

"Oh, quit your bellyaching, Peepsy. I already told you, we'll be fine as long as we close the portal on the other side before the corruption spreads. Now come on, Killer, let's get this party rollin'!"

" ** _WILL YOU STOP ENCOURAGING HIM_**! Sir, please, enough is enough. This is lunacy! This is madness! This is…"

"Peepers, do you want to stay behind and die with the rest of the universe."

"Um… No, but…"

"Then shut up!" roared the dark lord furiously; shaking the van's metal frame. "I'm sick of all your whining. I'm _sick_ of always coming up short! And most of all, I'm **_sick_** of this whole stupid universe! It's time to start over, but first, I'm gonna wipe the slate clean."

And with that said, Lord Hater began to charge up his signature green lightning; channeling it directly into his golden scissors.

"In the name of all that is evil! By the unchained forces that sow chaos and violence throughout the cosmos! I command you! Open the Gateway and take me to my **_destiny_**!"

He then gave the empty air a quick, animalistic slash, and then…

 ** _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

Where once there had only been inky blackness, now stood, or rather floated, a massive glowing wound in the skin of reality; rippling and convulsing like an ameba under a microscope.

"My Grop…" the cloaked skeleton muttered in quiet awe. "It's beautiful…"

He then turned his gaze toward the frozen slush ball directly behind him and imagined the floating paradise just beyond it.

"I hope you enjoyed your wedding, Wander. Cuz it's the last bit of fun you or anyone else in this stinking universe will ever have." He said to his arch nemesis over sixty-five thousand miles away. "Sorry I can't stick around to give you my gift in person. But I guarantee, it's gonna blow your freakin' mind!"

And with that, he spun back around to face the gaping maw.

"Peepers! Ripov! Full speed ahead!" the dark lord declared; sounding almost manic. "Through the breach and into my destiny!"

"Sir, please…"

"Silence!"

"Well at least get back in the van. It's not safe…"

"I SAID SILENCE!"

"Uh, Killer, he might actually have a point on this one. The energy from that vortex…"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT UP! YOU'RE RUINING MY BIG EXIT!"

"Okay, you're the boss."

Then without another word, the purple huntress stepped on the gas, plowing the tacky van straight through the portal.

And all the while, Lord Hater stood atop the roof; laughing maniacally.

"AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY EYES! IT BURNS!"

XXX

( _Back on Satellite 9_ )

"You may now kiss the bride." Said the tall octo-dragon; prompting the now newlyweds to do just that.

And as they did, the great organ sprang back to life; signifying the beginning of a bright and glorious new era of love.

Little did anyone suspect, that in less than two hours, a tragedy would take place.

End Notes:

Yes, I know I've taken more than a few liberties with Ripov's personality, but in all honesty, she came off as a little bland in the original series. Besides, this is technically an alternate universe, and for the sake of storytelling I think her tweaked personality works. Anyway, I hope you've all enjoyed this chapter and I'll see you in the next one. Peace.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, this is where things start getting good, so I won't waste too much of your time. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Chapter 4.

( _One hour later in Ballroom G_ )

As a Progressivist, Demurra was quite accustomed to people second guessing her decisions; ideologies that focus heavily on improving the future do tend to offend certain people after all.

Of course, being the strong-willed, self-assured person that she was, the former princess never let any such opposition dampen her spirits.

Firstly, because, as the old saying goes, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

And secondly, because despite what certain people might want you to believe, her decisions were almost usually the correct ones.

Take for example, her decision to hold Wander and Deedee's Wedding Reception in Ballroom G of Satellite 9. Oh, you wouldn't believe how much heat she'd gotten for that one; especially from the bride.

 _It's too small._

 _It doesn't have enough outlets._

 _The floor tiles won't match my dress._

But despite these and many other convincing arguments, Demurra stuck to her guns and, as usual, she was proven right in the end.

For, although the room was far from perfect, it did allow for a spectacular view.

To the surprise of everyone in attendance, the ceremony had gone off completely without a hitch; which was nothing short of a miracle, considering the histories of both the bride and groom.

But alas, I digress.

With all the pomp and circumstance out of the way, the reception was finally in full swing. The speeches had all been given. The photos had all been taken. Now all that remained was for the wedding party and their guests to mingle amongst themselves, chew the fat, and enjoy some first-class grub.

From her seat at the centermost table, Demurra could observe all the little groups that had formed. It was actually rather interesting. Thanks to Wander's seemingly superhuman talent for making friends, the ballroom had been transformed into a veritable microcosm of the galaxy.

Over at the next table, she could see Thrax and Destructor having a lively conversation with some of the Lords of Illumination. She couldn't quite hear what they were talking about, but judging by their expressions, it was nothing of any consequence.

On the other end of the room, next to the buffet table, Beeza and Westly were scarfing down hors d'oeuvres, while Prince Cashmere regaled them with what she could only assume was the harrowing tale of his recent return to power.

Elsewhere, down by the oyster bar, Badlands Dan, the Black Cube of Darkness, and Jeff the Minister were engaged in what appeared to be either a spirited philosophical debate or an impromptu beatboxing competition. Hard to tell.

Anyway, despite any initial anxieties she may have possessed, Demurra was quite content with how things were shaping up, and at last she felt like she could relax.

"Hey, Blondie, you in there or what?"

If only for a moment.

"Yeah, I'm here." She said to the bride, who was sitting directly across from her. "I was just thinking, that's all."

"Yeah, well, while you were thinking, several of our guests, myself included, have been griping about the staggering lack of alcohol at this shindig. Care to explain?"

"Well, as I told you last week, this wedding had a fixed budget. Most of which was spent renting out this ballroom and the auditorium. So, when the time came to plan the reception, we had to make some tough decisions. And _you_ said you didn't care about drinks; not as long as you got all the different types of hors d'oeuvres you wanted."

"What? I never said anything like that!"

"I believe your exact words were, 'Screw the champagne, Blondie. I need pigs in blankets. I need fajitas sizzling. And if I don't get my oyster bar, I'm shoving you face first into a car compactor. Do _not_ test me.'"

"Hmmm… Nope, sorry. Not ringing any bells."

"Regardless, you shouldn't be drinking anyway. You're pregnant. Remember?"

"Yeah, but I have seven livers. _Remember_? The amount of alcohol it would take to hurt this kid even a little would kill me first."

"Yes, well, be that as it may, there's no alcohol here. So you and everyone else will just have to deal with it."

"Yeah, whatever." The former villainess replied; suddenly sounding quite bored. "I don't really care. I just like having something to complain about."

"Fair enough." The crippled queen said casually, as she readjusted her wheelchair. "So, where's your husband?"

"Who knows? Probably off somewhere with Sylvia."

"You don't seem all that bothered. I mean, it's your wedding day, and your husband…"

"It's fine. We're leaving the galaxy in a few days anyway; I'll have him all to myself after that. Might as well let him say his goodbyes."

"Aww~ That's so sweet." Demurra said teasingly; causing her friend's cheeks to turn bright pink.

"Yeah, well, you know… Eh… say, speaking of leaving, how goes our little _top secret project_?"

"Well, it took a bit of doing, but I managed to convince everyone to chip in."

"And?"

" _And_ it will be finished within the week."

"Awesome! Does it have everything I asked for?"

"And more. Absolution Class retrofitted with Mark III Warp Engines. A bit outmoded, but ideal for intergalactic travel."

"Sweet! What about the extras?"

"They're why it's not ready today. It takes time to adapt old systems to new technology. Especially for something as unconventional as a vivarium or an orrery."

"Never mind all that, just make sure it's done ASAP. Wander doesn't want to stay here too much longer and neither do I."

"Did somebody say my name?" said a familiar voice from just across the way.

The girls quickly turned their gaze toward its source and, sure enough, they found the man of the hour himself, Wander, sauntering towards them, sporting one of his trademark grins.

"Afternoon, ladies." He said genteelly as he took a seat at the table. "So, what are we talking about?"

"Oh, nothing all that interesting." Demurra replied, attempting to steer the conversation away from their previous, top secret subject. "Just girl stuff."

"Yeah, Pumpkin. Just girl stuff." Dominator chimed in, before quickly shifting to a much less sensitive subject. "Say, what's with the weird looking box?"

It was then that the former princess noticed the strange parcel sitting in the orange nomad's lap. Like Deedee had said, it was a box; a plain, white box, roughly the size of an average bowling ball, with a bright red bow on top. To her eyes, it looked eerily similar to the kind of gifts Wander liked to give out from time to time; which was more than enough to make her suspicious.

"What, you mean this? One of the Service Drones gave it to me. He said someone dropped it off at the front desk this morning. Probably someone who couldn't stay for the wedding."

That couldn't be right. As far as she knew, everyone she'd invited had shown up. What's more, everyone had already agreed to go in together on one big gift, so it was highly unlikely that anyone in attendance would go out and purchase another. So that begged the question, where did this mysterious box come from?

"Oh wait, there's a card." Said Wander; unknowingly answering her internal inquiry. "Let's see, 'Dear Wander, consider this payback for everything you've done for me. Your Pal, Lord Hater'. Aw~ That old so-and-so. I knew he was just a big softie at heart."

"Wander, wait! _Don't_!" Dominator cried, but alas, it was too late.

The orange nomad had already removed the bright red ribbon and ripped off the box's seductive white lid.

And then… nothing?

"Huh? That's weird. There's nothing in here." The hairy vagabond said confusedly as he continued to examine the box's interior. "Oh wait, there's something written here at the bottom. 'P.S. Look out the window.' Well that's peculiar."

On an impulse, all three of them did just as the bizarre note instructed and, to little surprise, they saw the exact same spectacular view of Planet Cryo-Bhal they'd observed all afternoon.

Needless to say, Demurra found this all rather perplexing.

Dominator on the other hand found it quite amusing.

"Oh my _Grop_! This is too good!" the former villainess said, bursting with laugher. "I mean, his last chance to take his revenge on Wander, and _this_ is the best ol' Bone Brain could come up with? What a loser!"

"Now, Sweetums, you know I don't like you making fun of people." Wander said disapprovingly. "Especially when they're not around to defend themselves."

"Oh, lighten up, Babe." Dominator replied; attempting to catch her breath. "I mean, you gotta admit, even by Hater's standards, this is pathetic. Any minute now, that doofus is gonna bust in here, shout 'Ha! Ha! Made you look!' and then run outta here giggling like a moron. _LAME_ ~"

Just then, an awful din filled the air; a sickening, metallic sound, that made it seem as though the walls were groaning in agony.

Then, the room, no, the entire station gave a mighty shudder; as if the entirety of Satellite 9 had been gripped by some great, invisible force and given a sudden, powerful yank.

Fortunately, as mysteriously as they began, these strange occurrences suddenly stopped; allowing everyone to let out a collective sigh of relief.

Unfortunately, this newfound peace was short-lived, as a deafening shriek rang out from somewhere in the crowd.

No one ever found out exactly who had been screaming, but such details were meaningless once everyone realized what that person had been screaming at.

For through the ballroom's enormous panoramic window, everyone could see the truth quite clearly.

Planet Cryo-Bhal was gone.

And in its place, was a gigantic, writhing, almost festering gash in the skin of the universe.

A Black Hole.

" _That_ , however, is significantly less lame."

End Notes:

In the words of a certain popular Disney villain, **_SURPRISE_**! Anywho, thanks for reading and I'll see you all in the next one. Peace.


	5. Chapter 5

Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Chapter 5.

Chaos.

That's pretty much the only word that describes it.

The scene in Ballroom G was complete and utter chaos.

Though I suppose mayhem or bedlam would have also applied, but that's just getting into semantics.

All that matters, is that people were going crazy; and for a damned good reason.

No sooner had it sunk in that the hotel had somehow been caught in the gravitational pull of a gigantic black hole, then did all hell break loose.

Grown men shrieking like banshees.

Chairs and tables flying every which way.

Guys climbing over other guys.

It was like something out of a cheap disaster flick.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"RUN! EVERYBODY RUN!"

"Outta the way, old lady!"

"Move it, Creep-O!"

"One side! One side!"

"AAAAAAAAAH! MY FOOT!"

"We're all gonna die!"

And so on and so forth.

A myriad of other such cries filled the air of Ballroom G as the masses rushed for the nearest exit.

In all likelihood, this scene probably would have turned violent, had a new voice not rung out to quell the rising tumult.

" ** _SILENCE_**!" the new voice yelled; seeming to come from everywhere at once.

Just then, a ball of light suddenly appeared in the center of the room. It hovered there for several seconds, giving off a faint, almost musical hum, before erupting into a blinding white flash.

After several moments, the collective blindness finally wore off, and where once the light ball had hovered, a strange, new figure stood; his expression stern yet unreadable.

"People of the Galaxy! There's no cause for alarm!" said the strange figure; an overweight, shabby looking fellow in an unwashed wizard's cloak and cap. "I come in peace!"

"Who cares!" shouted someone in the crowd.

"Yeah, you jackass!" yelled another. "There's a black hole outside! We gotta get outta here!"

"Trust me, leaving is the last thing you want to do." The chubby wizard replied sternly. "This station is already caught in the anomaly's gravitational pull. Any ship that leaves will just get caught up in it too."

"So basically, you're saying we're dead no matter what we do!"

"Not necessarily." He said; still maintaining his calm façade despite facing a potential lynch mob. "This isn't your garden variety black hole. The gravitational pull is a little slower. And at our current speed, I'd say we've got at least five hours before the station makes contact. Plenty of time to implement my plan."

"Whoa! Whoa! _Whoa_! Just back it up there, Chief! What do you mean _your plan_?"

"Yeah, who are you? Did you make that thing out there?"

"Quick! Somebody grab him before he…"

 _BOOOOOOOM_!

Went the slovenly spell caster's gnarled looking staff, which he seemed to have materialized out of thin air, as he tapped its base against the floor; instantly silencing everyone in the room.

"That's quite enough of that." He said, once again sounding stern and cold. "Now then, since we do have a little time to spare, I believe I can provide you all with a _brief_ explanation of what's going on. But first, allow me to introduce myself. I am Neckbeard the Magnificent. Sorcerer Supreme of the planet Adelpillskeza and the _cough cough fifty-seventh_ most powerful being in all the universe."

"Wait, aren't you the guy who runs that weird little hobby shop in that freaky pocket dimension?"

"Does that _really_ matter right now?"

"Oh yeah, I remember you. You freaked out at that one kid for bringing ice cream into your store. Then you screamed at his parents when he started crying."

"That's not what happ… Oh, forget it." The plus-sized sorcerer said exasperatedly. "Look, it doesn't matter who _I_ am. What matters is what's going on out _there_. And what's going on is that some damn fool misused a pair of Traveler's Scissors, and now the whole universe could be destroyed."

Naturally, this little revelation earned quite a few frightened murmurs from the crowd.

"Destroyed? The entire universe?"

"Game over, man! Game over!"

"Wait, Traveler's Scissors? I think I've heard of those before. Aren't those illegal in like nine thousand dimensions?"

"Yes, and now you can see why." The chubby wizard replied, gesturing towards the frightening scene beyond the back window. "Those scissors were one of eight pairs forged long ago by the Dark Sorceress Eclipsa. And as the name implies, they work almost exactly like Dimensional Scissors; only instead of just other dimensions, these let you travel to other universes as well. However, there's a catch. If you make a portal too big or leave it open for too long it degrades, and transforms into the sort of spatial anomaly you see behind me."

Once again, a wave of murmurs rose up from the frightened crowd.

"Magic scissors caused this? Sounds like something from a bad cartoon show."

"This is some weird, wild stuff, I tell you what."

"Wait a minute, you said someone used the scissors to do this. Who? Why?"

From somewhere towards the outer rim of the crowd, the bridegroom began to say something, but the heavyset sorcerer quickly cut him off.

"That is of little importance now." He said firmly. "The perpetrators are long gone, and well beyond our reach. What matters now is sealing that hole before it's too late. And fortunately for you, I just happen to have the keys to your salvation."

With a wave of his aged staff, Neckbeard produced a second blinding flash of light.

This time, however, when the light finally faded and everyone's vision returned, it was two small objects that had been suddenly apparated into the epicenter.

The first was a small, ivory colored scroll, wrapped in what appeared to be a light red ribbon. The second was an equally sized dark blue bottle with a familiar looking label; almost everyone in the room instantly recognized it as the sort used for carrying Orbble Juice.

Both seemed completely ordinary to the naked eye, but if the chubby wizard was to be believed, then they most certainly contained some sort of immense and unimaginable power.

At least, that's what some people were thinking.

Others however…

"Is this some kind of joke?"

"How the hell is that junk supposed to stop a black hole?"

"He's screwing with us! We're all gonna die and he's screwing with us!"

 _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM_!

Neckbeard gave the floor another gentle tap with his staff; instantly quieting the whole room.

"One more outburst like that and I'm leaving." He said sternly. "So unless you'd rather deal with this problem on your own, I suggest you keep all stupid comments to a minimum."

This time, no one dared to murmur.

"That's better." The chubby wizard said, for once sounding satisfied. "Now, as I was saying. Because even she feared the destructive potential of her creations, Eclipsa implanted a self-destruct sequence within each pair of scissors, which can be activated by reciting the incantation written on this scroll."

Several people in the crowd let out a sigh of relief, but Neckbeard paid them no mind.

"However, in order for this to work, the reader will have to be in close proximity to the black hole." He continued. "That's where the Orbble Juice comes into play. It's been magically enhanced. So any Orbble formed from it will be able to resist the intense gravity outside for roughly twenty-five minutes. Allowing whoever volunteers to get close enough to the anomaly without being crushed into oblivion."

"Now wait just a minute here." Said some random member of the peanut gallery. "Your plan's all well and good on paper, but you seem to have over looked one major detail. Namely, that we don't have any scissors to self-destruct."

Yet again, several hushed murmurs arose from the crowd; though not nearly as many as there were before.

"Oh, I'm well aware of this little technicality." The chubby wizard said smugly. "However, I believe the bridegroom might hold the solution."

Suddenly, all eyes were on Wander; much to his apparent discomfort.

"M-Me?" he asked confusedly.

"That's right, Traveler. _You_." Neckbeard replied ominously.

"But, what can I do?"

"The same thing you always do. Reach into your hat and pull out what we need."

It took a moment, but soon Wander and nearly everyone else in the room realized just what the fat sorcerer was proposing.

"My hat can do _that_?" the furry nomad asked, sounding totally astonished.

"It most certainly can." Neckbeard replied.

Looking dubious, Wander took off his trademark chapeau and slowly reached into its open maw. He spent about a minute or so rummaging through the infinite mysteries within, until at last he found something he liked. Then, with a look of shock and wonder on his face, he pulled out a small pair of golden, black opal encrusted scissors and held them up for all to see.

"Di… Did I just…"

"Pick someone's pocket an entire universe away. Yes, you most certainly did." The chubby wizard answered preemptively. "Using the power of your miraculous hat, you have successfully retrieved the last item we need to seal the black hole. While simultaneously trapping the villain responsible in whatever universe he landed in. A fitting punishment, if I do say so myself."

"Screw the ritual!" shouted another random nobody from the crowd. "We've got the scissors. Let's just chuck 'em in the black hole and call it a day."

"A novel suggestion, but unfortunately that wouldn't work." the fat sorcerer replied dryly. "Those scissors were designed to withstand the conditions of every universe imaginable, so it's a safe bet they can survive the inside of a black hole. No, I'm afraid the only way these things can be destroyed is if a living soul willingly takes them before the mouth of the breach, says the incantation, and allows his or herself to become one with the resulting inferno."

It was at this moment that the entire wedding party let out a loud, collective gasp.

"What?"

"Did he say inferno?"

"Hold on! So whoever destroys the scissors gets destroyed along with them? That's messed up, dude!"

"Perhaps, but it's the truth. The Queen of Darkness had a very warped sense of humor. The only way to destroy her creations is for someone to willing sacrifice themselves for the good of others. One life to save all life. It's almost like poetry."

"How can you joke around at a time like this? You're asking one of us to commit suicide!"

"Do not mistake my calmness for apathy. I am fully aware that this is a big thing to ask of anyone. But consider this, with every atom that black hole consumes it becomes larger and more powerful. In less than five hours, it will consume this entire station. Six months later, the entire galaxy will be gone too. And ten years after that, there will be nothing left of this universe at all. So ask yourselves this, what is one life when weighed against the entire cosmos?"

A sudden hush fell over the ballroom as several partygoers started pondering this perplexing puzzle.

"Hey, wait a minute!" shouted one such reveler. "Why should one of us have to die? If you care so much about the universe, why don't you perform the ritual yourself?"

"Yeah! Make the wizard do it!"

"What's the matter, fat boy? Run out of excuses?"

But this time, Neckbeard remained silent.

He just closed his eyes and slowly raised his staff.

"You should make your decision soon." He said calmly. "The explosion will be quite massive. And this station will only stay out of its blast radius for another forty-eight minutes."

"Quick! Somebody grab him before he…"

 _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM_!

And with yet another blinding flash of light, Neckbeard vanished into thin air.

Leaving behind the scroll, the bottle, and an impossible decision.

End Notes:

I didn't care for Neckbeard's voice in the show, so as I was writing his parts, I imagined him sounding like Mycroft from Sherlock. So if he seems out of character in any way, that's why. Anyway, hope everyone had fun, please leave a review before you leave, and I'll see you in the next one. Peace.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm more or less halfway done with the story at this point, so let's not waste any time. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Chapter 6.

With Neckbeard gone and their doom mere hours away, the wedding party was faced with an impossible decision.

One life to save all life.

A simple trade, in theory.

But who would make this ultimate sacrifice?

Who possessed the ineffable moral fiber to give his/her life for the good of the entire universe?

No one in _this_ room, that's for sure.

"Now hold on, everyone." Said Thrax, the cyborg bookseller, as he stepped forward to take centerstage. "I realize we have a tough decision ahead of us. A decision that no civilized person should ever have to make. But for the sake of all life in the universe, make it we must. So let's just all remain calm, and approach this from a logical, impartial…"

"I nominate Thrax!" shouted Prince Cashmere.

"Seconded." Said Beeza; never losing her implacable calm.

"There it is. The motion is carried." Said Cashmere once again. "Congratulations Thrax. You are a hero."

"What! Screw you!" yelled the cyborg angrily. "Why should I be the one to go? Why not you?"

"Simple. I rule an entire civilization of strong, noble warriors, and you run a bookstore."

"So what? That automatically makes my life less important than yours?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, it does."

"Why you sanctimonious bastard! What about Badlands Dan? He just runs a flower shop. Clearly he has the least to live for."

"Why you lowdown sidewinders!" roared the burly bull-like creature. "What about Stella Starbella? She's just a toothless old bag! It's a miracle she's lived this long!"

"You wanna lose that jaw, bone boy!"

"Bring it on, you shriveled old hag!"

And so on and so forth in that fashion.

Before long, nearly everyone else in the room was drawn into the debate.

Leaving only a handful of spectators to look on in disgust.

"Pathetic." Said Dominator, her voice dripping with revulsion. "Just look at them. They're all supposed to be kings and heroes. Paragons of honor and virtue. But when the chips are down they're no better than rabid dogs. Say what you want about villains, but at least they admit their true nature."

"You're not being fair." Said Demurra, her tone sounding much more sympathetic. "They're only acting this way out of fear. I mean, this is an extreme situation after all. We're essentially asking one of them to commit suicide."

"You say that like you've already taken yourself out of the running."

"I have three children to look after, not to mention an entire star system. Plus, I'm pretty sure black holes aren't wheelchair accessible."

"Sounds like another cheap excuse to me."

"Well what about you? Are you prepared to go out there and blow yourself up?"

"Well obviously I can't do it. This is my wedding. Plus, you know, _pregnant_."

"See, it's not so easy, is it."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." The former villainess admitted. "But we'd better do something. If someone doesn't man up and volunteer soon, it won't matter who we send out there. We'll all get caught in the explosion."

"Agreed. But given how quickly everyone's turned against each other, I suggest we tread carefully. Otherwise, we might make things worse. Wander, what do you think we should do?"

But answer came there none.

Feeling concerned, both women turned their heads to check on him, only to find air where the nomad had once stood.

"No…" the former villainess muttered; sounding totally horrified. "He wouldn't. He couldn't."

In a panic, Dominator turned her eyes toward the center of the room, and amidst the chaos she saw that both the scroll and the Orbble Juice were missing.

"Oh… Grop!"

XXX

( _Several minutes later, just down the hall_ )

Little known fact about Satellite 9. As the galaxy's only fully automated luxury hotel, it is home to over twenty thousand, multipurpose omni-drones, who serve as an efficient and cost-effective alternative to tradition hotel staff.

These drones exist in a sort of artificial hivemind controlled by the ZAHL 3000 supercomputer housed on Level 26-D. Ordinarily, this highly advanced AI would continuously coordinate them and adapt their behavior to suit any situation that might arise. However, the sudden appearance of a black hole seemed to have caused a glitch in the computer's logic circuit, causing it to trigger an unscheduled reboot; effectively disabling all available drones.

Bad news for the guests at large.

But perfect for someone looking to access the usually restricted airlock system.

Like for example, a certain fuzzy vagabond we've all come to know and love.

With a heavy heart and a gentle step, Wander approached the ominous iron door of Airlock 13; the tools of his eventual suicide cradled carefully in his arms.

He wanted to turn around. To run back to the ballroom. Just for a moment. Just for one last look at his true beloved. But he knew that this was impossible. He knew that one look at her and he'd abandon his noble sacrifice, in favor of a much slower and infinitely more pleasurable demise.

No, he had to stay the course. He had to walk through that door and into oblivion. No matter how much it hurt.

"You selfish bastard." Said an all too familiar voice from somewhere just behind him. "You stupid, sanctimonious bastard. Where the hell do you think you're going!"

Slowly, the orange nomad turned around and there, to no surprise, he found his beloved; her streaming eyes glaring death and Armageddon directly into his soul.

"Oh… hey Deedee." He said, sounding more than a little nervous. "What eh… what are you doing here?"

"What am _I_ doing?" she replied venomously. "What do you _think_ I'm doing, genius? I'm stopping my stupid, self-righteous husband from throwing himself into a black hole! That's what I'm doing!"

"Sweetheart, I know you're upset but…"

" _Upset_! Oh, I'm way past upset! It's our wedding day and you're trying to kill yourself! And for what! Just so you can be the big hero!"

"Deedee, I'm sorry, but this is bigger than just you and me. The whole universe is at stake. Someone has to step up."

"But why does it have to be you? There's over two thousand people in this hotel! Why can't we just let one of them be the human sacrifice?"

"Because no one else will." He answered solemnly. "Deedee, I swear, if there was any other way I'd…"

"Don't give me that crap!" Dominator shot back, as the tears continued to flow like mini waterfalls. "Don't act like you're the one who's suffering! You've got the easy part! You'll just be dead! I'm the one who has to spend the rest of my life alone! With a baby! Who'll never know what a sweet and wonderful man her father was! How can you do this to us, you heartless bastard!"

"Deedee, I… I'm sorry. But this is just how it has to be. There's no other choice."

And with that, the orange nomad turned back around and continued his final trek towards the airlock.

"Wander! Wander, don't you dare go out there! Do you hear me! If you go out there you won't have to worry about that stupid black hole! I'll destroy the whole damn universe myself!"

He was now less than two feet from the door.

"Did you hear what I just said! If you die I'm gonna kill everyone in the universe! Starting with everyone in this hotel!"

One foot away.

"I'll kill Sylvia first! I'll ram her stupid skull right into her fat stomach! I'll rip apart every cell in her whole damn body unless you stay here with me!"

Mere inches away from the iron hatch door, Wander paused to look back at his beloved and whisper one final message.

"I love you too."

And then he quickly turned away.

From across the way, he could hear her wail as she fell to her knees in despair, but he dared not turn around.

Instead, he just raised his right hand and reached for the…

 _WHAM_!

Just then, he felt something hard and metallic strike the back of his skull.

For a split second, he thought he saw a large shadow looming over him.

Then came the darkness.

XXX

It had all happened so fast, and with her vision so blurred from crying, it took a few moments for Dominator to fully register what had happened. But once she wiped away the tears and calmed herself down, the former villainess could easily take in the full scope of the scene before her.

Unfortunately, even then it didn't make much sense.

Wander was lying on the floor unconscious, while Sylvia stood over him with a dented fire extinguisher.

Okay, maybe the scene itself was pretty cut and dry, but it was still rather shocking.

"Sylvia…" said Dominator, her voice still hoarse from all that screaming. "Wha… what are you doing?

"What does it look like I'm doing." She replied dryly as she set aside the fire extinguisher and started picking up the fallen artifacts. "I'm taking his place."

" _What_?"

"Don't act like you're concerned. You were just threatening to kill me a minute ago." The blue Zbornak said evenly as she opened the airlock's heavy iron door. "Besides, now you can have Wander all to yourself. You should be over the frickin' moon."

"But… I don't understand… why are you doing this? You know what'll happen if you go through with this, right?"

"Yeah, I'll die. Big whoop." She said, almost cuttingly. "It's not like I got a lot to live for anyway. Traveling with Wander 's the only worthwhile thing I've ever done. Before him, I was just a two-bit lowlife. I'd probably be dead right now if it wasn't for him. At least this way my life 'll be worth something."

"Sylvia… I… I don't know what to say."

"Save it. Just take care of him when I'm gone and we'll call it even. Deal?"

"D-D-Deal…"

"Good. Now if you don't mind, I've got a date with a guy in a long black robe and I know he doesn't like to be stood up."

And with that, the blue Zbornak climbed into the open airlock and slowly began to close the door behind her.

However, just as she was about to completely seal herself in, she paused to stick her head out.

"Oh, one last thing. When he wakes up, could you tell him… Just tell him… it's been fun."

Dominator said nothing. She just smiled a sad sort of half smile and gave the Zbornak a subtle nod.

"Thanks."

And with that, Sylvia pulled her head back in and quickly slammed the door.

Leaving Dominator to watch in despondency as the automated warning system suddenly clicked on.

" **Warning! Warning! Airlock 13 has just been activated. Please maintain a safe distance until the outer hatch has completely resealed. Warning! Warning!** "

End Notes:

At this time, I'd like to thank everyone who's been following this series from the beginning and commenting on almost every single chapter. You guys are the best. That being said, there should only be three or four chapters left in this story. Bringing the series to a close. So enjoy these next few weeks while you can faithful followers. It's almost over.

Anyway, thanks for reading, please leave a comment before you leave, and I'll see you all in the next one. Peace.


	7. Chapter 7

Fair warning, folks. This one might kill ya. That being said, Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Chapter 7.

"I may be short, stupid, colorblind and dyslexic, but at least I don't have three nipples!" shouted King Bingleborp as he pointed his stubby arm at General Outrage accusingly.

"You shut your mouth, that's a mole!" the enraged army man shot back before turning his attention towards Destructor. "And _you_! Your only friend is a sock puppet! Nobody's gonna miss you!"

"Say that to my face!" yelled the aforementioned sock puppet in a high squeaky voice. "Come on! Say that to my face, big boy!"

"You are all useless, pea brained idiots." Said Beeza, once again maintaining her unshakable calm. "And for the record, I _do_ suffer more than everyone else in the universe."

"Bull crap!"

"Hey! You can't talk to her like that, you jackass!"

"Oh, why don't you mind your own business!"

"Why don't you make me!"

"I don't make monkeys, I train 'em!"

"What the… that doesn't even make any sense!"

"Yes, it does!"

"No, it doesn't!"

"Ah, pipe down, the both of you!"

And so on and so forth in that fashion.

In the eight minutes since Dominator's departure, the scene in Ballroom G had greatly deteriorated. No longer were they trying to coax someone into volunteering. Now they were just viciously lashing out at one another.

In all likelihood, this shameful display probably would've gone on for several more hours, had a number of the worst offenders not suddenly found themselves being sprayed with a strange, odd smelling foam.

" _PFFF_! What the hell, man!"

"Ugh! What is this stuff?"

"Eww! Some of it got in my mouth!"

"Alright! Who's the wise guy?"

"Over here, dumbass!"

On a reflex, everyone quickly turned their collective gaze toward the source of this new voice, and there, less than five feet away, they saw Dominator. A dented fire extinguisher in her hands and murder in her eyes.

"Hey, what's the big idea!" shouted some unseen partygoer hidden somewhere in the crowd. "What are you, crazy or…"

" ** _SHUT UP_**!" the former villainess roared; instantly silencing the phantom heckler, as well as everyone else in the room. "All of you, just shut the hell up! You don't get to gripe. Not today. Not after the way you jackasses have been acting."

Several people wanted to argue, or at the very least object to her use of the word 'jackass', but alas, not a single one of them had the guts to say a word; not while she was standing there glaring fire and brimstone anyway.

"You people. You all make me sick." Dominator said in a calm but caustic tone. "You're supposed to be the best of the best. Heroes, and kings, and philanthropists. You're supposed to represent the sum total of my husband's accomplishments in this galaxy. But the truth is you're all nothing but a bunch of spineless hypocrites."

By now, several members of the crowd were wincing at her every word. It was as if they were being skinned alive.

"Oh sure, you're all grateful to Wander for helping you, and you try to live by his example, but only when times are good; only when you don't have to make any real sacrifices. But the second things go south, you throw everything he taught you out the window and start going for each other's throats."

Did I say skinned alive? I meant to say skinned alive while having their blood replaced with battery acid.

"Not a single one of you had the guts to step up and go out there. That's why Wander had to do it himself!"

Suddenly the true nature of her rage became apparent. Causing many of them to let out a horrified gasp.

"Oh sure, _now_ you're concerned about someone besides yourselves. Now that you're all _safe_." She spat venomously. "But don't worry, Wander's just fine. Wanna know why? Because Sylvia knocked him out cold so she could take his place!"

Another wave of gasps rose up from the crowd, but once again Dominator was not impressed.

"That's right, while you _pillars of morality_ were in here trying to kill each other, Sylvia, my husband's _ex con_ sidekick, was out there making sure my daughter doesn't grow up without a father! Because she's the only one in this whole stupid galaxy who really got what Wander was selling!"

Dominator held nothing back. She didn't care. As soon as this thing was over she'd never see any of these people ever again. Might as well skin them to the bone while she can.

"But hey, don't look so glum. Thanks to Sylvia, you all get to _live_. Not that you deserve it."

And with that, the former villainess turned her back on the stunned crowd; fearing no reprisal.

She knew not a single one of them had the guts to reply.

XXX

( _A short time later_ )

Interesting fact about Orbbles.

The chemical composition of Ordinary Orbble Juice is 39% powdered opalescence, 27% mercury, 20% calcium hydroxide, 12% mountain spring water, and the remaining 2% is a radioactive isotope whose English name has over one hundred syllables.

When used properly, this mixture produces a low-level distortion in the fabric of space-time; allowing the user to travel in hours, distances that would normally take days or even years.

So, knowing this, it should come as no surprise to you that after deciding to throw herself into the abyss one last time, it only took Sylvia about fifteen minutes to reach her final destination.

"Sweet Mother of Grop…" the blue Zbornak said in quiet awe as she stopped at the edge of the great anomaly and stared deeply into its gapping maw. "It's so… black."

Perhaps not the most poetic description one could utter, but an accurate one none the less. For really, what more could anyone say about it? It was just pure inky blackness as far as the eye could see. No up. No Down. No light. No sound. Just blackness. And nothing else.

In a way, it sort of reminded her of the white void she and Wander had stumbled into some time ago. However, while that had been a realm of pure imagination, this was merely a tool of absolute destruction. Lord Hater's final curse upon the universe he so reviled. Oh, how she longed to sock that boney creep on the jaw one last time for putting her in this position. But alas, there was no point in dwelling on such things.

Now was not the time for anger.

Now was the time for action.

'Okay Syl, you can do this.' The blue Zbornak thought to herself as she pulled out the incantation scroll and started to untie it. 'Wander's your best friend, and he deserves to have the family he's always wanted. So just suck it up, read the scroll, and… and… let yourself get blown up.'

Yes, quite the tall order, despite its simplicity. But what else could she do? According to her almost infallible inner sense of time, Sylvia surmised she had about nine minutes left before her enchanted Orbble ran out of mojo. And given her close proximity to the black hole, she severely doubted she'd have enough time to make another one before being crushed into oblivion.

Not enough time to run away. And even if there was, where could she run to?

No, at this point death was the only honorable option.

The only question was, whether to die for nothing or for the good of all life in the universe.

'Oh Grop… I wish… I just wish there was some other way.'

 _Oh, but there is_.

"What? Who said that?"

 _I did_.

"Oh Grop… Oh sweet Grop, no! It's finally happened. The pressure's gotten to me and now I'm crackin' up."

 _You're not insane, dearie. I'm just speaking to you telepathically._

"Who… Who are you?"

 _Isn't it obvious? It's me, sweetheart. The Traveler's Scissors. The ones in your hand._

"But… no, that's impossible. Scissors don't talk. Not even magic ones."

 _Oh, but it is possible, my dear. You see, the great Eclipsa infused me with a small fragment of her soul, just as she did with all my sisters, giving me consciousness. And it is with that consciousness that I assist my users in their quests for new realities._

"Yeah… you know what, this is gettin' way too weird for me. So… I'm just gonna go ahead and destroy you. Sound good?"

 _No, wait, listen. There is another way. Use my power, and I can take you anywhere in the multiverse. Anywhere your heart desires._

"No thanks."

 _Excellent. I knew you'd see things my way. Now just lift me up and… wait, what did you just say?_

"You heard me. No. Thanks."

 _But…But… But…. I'm offering you a chance to live. A chance to start out fresh in a whole new universe._

"I know that, but any universe without Wander isn't worth living in."

 _Oh, you poor naïve child. How greatly you underestimate the true scope of my power. There are an invite number of universes. And as such, there are an invite number of universes identical to this one. In some of them, Dominator was defeated instead of reformed, and you and Wander stay together long after leaving this galaxy. That's what you really want, isn't it? For it to just be you and him, and no one else._

"And what about the Sylvia of that universe? Am I supposed to just kill her and take her place?"

 _Once again, you fail to grasp the full scope of infinity. There are a number of these universes where you also happen to die around this time. All we have to do is find an appropriate scenario where you can slip in undetected, and no one will know the difference._

"Hmmm…." Went Sylvia as she pondered this for a few moments. "You know, if you'd offered me this deal a couple months ago, I probably would've taken it. Heck, an hour ago, I'd 've jumped at the chance. But not now. Not if it means leaving my best buddy to die."

 _Did you not hear what I said before? There are infinite Wanders out there. You can have any one of them you want. One's just as good as any other._

"That's where you're wrong. There's only one Wander for me and its this one. He's one of a kind."

 _Look, sweetie, I'm only trying to help you._

"No you're not. You're just trying to save your own hide. Well it's not gonna work. You and me are goin' up in smoke together. Period."

And with that said, Sylvia unfurled the ivory scroll and took a gander at its contents.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." She said dryly as her eyes scrolled over the absurdly appropriate incantation. "Eh, whatever. I mean, a spell's a spell, right?"

With only three minutes to spare, Sylvia took a moment to quickly clear her throat, and then opened her mouth to speak her final words.

"Deus Ex…."

 _No! Stop! Wait!_

"Ugh! What now?"

 _Sylvia, darling, you're not thinking clearly. How do you know this will even work? You'd never even heard of this Neckbeard fellow an hour ago. What makes him such an expert anyway? How do you know he's not misinformed, or crazy? Destroying me might not even work. You could blow yourself up and the black hole might still be here. You'd be dying for nothing. C'mon Syl, you know I'm right. You know this plan doesn't make any sense._

Sylvia paused for a moment, as she let the evil scissors' words sink in.

"You know, you've got a point. This plan doesn't make much sense."

 _Yes, I do have a point. I really, really do._

"It's crazy. It's irrational. And it probably won't work anyway."

 _Precisely! Now you're talking…_

"But you know what? It's exactly what Wander would do."

 _Uh… what? Wait, what are you doing? No!_ _ **No**_ _! Put that scroll down! We can talk about this!_

"Deus."

 _Sylvia, no! Please! You don't know what's on the other side!_

"Ex."

 _Your soul's too tainted, Sylvia! There's no light for you! There's only fire!_

"Machina."

 ** _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

Suddenly, the scissors grew scalding hot; forcing Sylvia to drop them.

As they fell, a large, jagged crack formed; splitting the horrid object right down the middle.

Not wanting to see what came next, the blue Zbornak closed her eyes and with her last breath, she whispered her parting words.

"Goodbye, Wander. It's been a blast."

Then came the light.

'Huh… so this is dying.' She thought, as the great golden radiance started ripping her atoms apart. 'Meh. It's not so bad.'

End Notes:

Only two chapters left, folks. So enjoy this series while you can. Anyway, don't forget to leave a comment before you leave, and I'll see you all in the next one. Peace.


	8. Chapter 8

Well folks, this is it. The final chapter before the Epilogue. It's been one hell of a ride, and I just want to thank all of you for sticking with me. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Chapter 8.

( _Nine Weeks Later_ )

Isolement.

A planet roughly five hundred quadrillion miles away from the center of the galaxy; placing it so far beyond the outer rim that one could argue it was in orbit around the galaxy rather than a part of it.

In ancient times, this distant world served as the gateway to the universe; the welcome wagon for some, and the final checkpoint for others. And though it has long since been abandoned, it is still a tradition in our fair galaxy to visit this once proud starport and pay your respects before venturing into the Great Unknown; in the hopes that Fate will smile warmly upon your journey.

Making it the perfect setting in which to end our little story.

For the benefit of those just tuning in, please allow me to turn back the clock to that infamous day on Satellite 9.

Shortly after Dominator finished her verbal slaughter, Wander stumbled back into the ballroom in a daze; begging to know what had happened.

Unfortunately, his answer came in the form of a 1.8 megaton blast that propelled the station into a new orbit around a nearby planet. Even more unfortunately, once the room stopped shaking, it took the orange nomad less than a minute to figure out what was going on, and more importantly, who was missing.

However, because fate can be just as kind as it is cruel, Sylvia was able to give her old pal one last gift; one final wonder to marvel at before moving on.

Though I am at a loss to explain the exact science behind it, the energy released by the exploding Traveler's Scissors somehow merged with that of the black hole, as well as the matter from the deceased Zbornak's body to form a glorious golden nebula; nine lightyears high, another six wide, and glowing like the morning sun. It was, quite frankly, too beautiful for words. So much so that it forced everyone in attendance, especially Wander, to weep with a strange mix of joy and sorrow.

Ten days later, a token funeral was held on Planet Cryptos. There was nothing left to bury, of course, but the family all chipped in to reserve a modest plot and headstone; ensuring that Sylvia Alice Petrillo would never be forgotten.

The service was fairly simple, though the turnout was quite large. Over sixty people from outside the family showed up to pay their respects. Granted, many of them were only there because they were still reeling from Dominator's savage guilt trip, but still, it was nice that they came.

Out of all of them however, Wander took the blue Zbornak's death the hardest. Oh sure, he'd lost partners before, some of them in more gruesome ways than just being blown up, but somehow this was worse. Somehow the loss of Sylvia seemed like the loss of all light in the universe, and it would take time to restore his usual zeal.

Fortunately, this time the orange nomad did not have to go through the grieving process on his own. Now he had a caring, devoted, insanely beautiful wife to dote on him while he sorted through his feelings. And without going into any intimate details, let's just say her _efforts_ made all the difference.

It would be many months, perhaps even years before Wander was back to his normal, goofy, happy-go-lucky self, but thanks to Dominator's love and understanding, he was as much of his old self as he was going to get, and for the time being that was good enough for her.

However, even after Wander decided he was well enough to travel, he opted to stay within the galaxy for a little while longer. Not for the sake of sightseeing, or even because he was really needed. No, it was something else. Something very difficult to explain. But on some level, he just felt like the time wasn't right for him to leave. So instead, he waited. Waited for someone to give him permission to move on. Waited for the universe to give him some sort of sign.

Fortunately, the orange nomad didn't have to wait too long. He received his sign roughly five days ago, in the form of a most unusual news article; it read as follows.

 **#1 Villain Retires at Age 30.**

 _In a move that has shocked the entire galaxy, celebrity villain Ted the Merciless announced in a press conference yesterday that he would be hanging up his signature battle ax in favor of a less violent career as a professional writer. When asked what prompted this sudden change in vocation, Mr. the Merciless replied,_

 _"_ _Look, the whole Galactic Villainy thing was fun while it lasted, but let's face it, it's a dead horse. I mean, everyone else is either dead or in hiding. And with Hater gone my only competition is some stupid whatsit who can't even finish a sentence half the time. So really, what's the point anymore."_

 _From there, the now former celebrity villain outlined his plans for the future, including his upcoming autobiography entitled 'Tag, You're It: The Life and Times of Ted the Merciless'._

(Story Continued on Page 17)

At any rate, with only one active villain left in the galaxy, and with said villain posing no real threat to anyone, Wander decided that his work was finally done and that it was time to move on to the next troubled corner of the cosmos.

There, now that you're all caught up, let's get back to the matter at hand.

Amidst the crumbling ruins of a once proud spaceport, three familiar figures stood beneath a black, starless sky; their necks craned towards the heavens, and their expressions ranging from impressed to bewildered.

"So… what am I looking at exactly?" asked Wander, after what felt like a lifetime of silence.

And to be fair, it was a perfectly understandable question. After all, who in their right mind could possibly tell what that gigantic, strange looking object in the sky was just by looking at it.

Granted, the fact that it actually _was_ in the sky probably meant that it was some kind of ship, but not like any the orange nomad had ever seen before. In size, it was roughly 1 ½ times that of your average football stadium, but in form it was like an odd fusion of an antique fishing boat and an abstract sculpture of a swordfish. In short, it looked really weird, but also kinda cool.

"What you're looking at, Wander, is your new home." Demurra answered cheerily. "Well, yours, Deedee's, and the baby's that is."

"What?"

"Yeah, me and Blondie started workin' on this a while back." Dominator said proudly; looking extraordinarily scrumptious in her cutoff jean shorts and pink gingham shirt with a knot tied in it to make it look like a tube top bra. "She bought a clunker and convinced all your friends to chip in to have it upgraded. The whole thing was my idea."

"It was both of our idea."

"Not really."

" _Anyway_. We were planning on presenting this to you in a big ceremony a few days after the wedding, but then… well, you know…"

"No, it's fine, I understand." Wander said politely, never taking his eyes off the unusual vessel floating high above. "I actually prefer it this way. Thank you, Demurra. For everything."

"Hey, don't thank me yet. Just wait 'til you see the inside." The former princess said, beaming with pride. "Not only is this baby warp-capable, but it's got all kinds of neat little extras. It's got a built-in vivarium in case you find any alien plants or animals you wanna keep. A Siphonian style bath house for relaxation. A fully stocked kitchen with a walk-in freezer. A fully furnished master bedroom complete with king-sized bed. A working orrery modeled after our galaxy. A state-of-the-art holo-suite with over 30 preprogramed simulations. Plus, a library, a garage, a little nursery for the baby, and a whole bunch of other fun surprises."

"Whoa…" the furry vagabond said, sounding as eloquent as ever. "That's… that's really something else. Does it have a name?"

"Well… the previous owner called it the Silver-7, don't ask me why, but if you don't like it you can always…"

"No… It's fine. Silver-7… seems kinda fitting somehow."

"See, Blondie. I told ya he'd love it."

"Yes, yes, you were right. You know your husband better than anyone. You smart. Me dumb."

"Nobody likes a smartass, Blondie."

"Really? Then what's Wander doing with you?"

"Heh, good one."

"Thanks."

And with that bit of jocularity out of the way, the atmosphere suddenly turned awkward.

It was finally time to address the elephant in the room.

"So… this is really it, isn't it?" asked Demurra uncomfortably.

"Hey, don't start with all that maudlin crap, Blondie. I don't go for the long goodbyes."

"I know, it's just… this galaxy won't really be the same without you. Either of you."

"Yeah, well, personally I can't wait to get outta this lousy little piss stain. The booze stinks, the internet's too slow, and the people are all whiny little jackasses."

"I'll miss you too, Deedee." The crippled queen said warmly before turning her attention to the older vagabond. "And as for you, Wander. You take care of yourself. And watch out for your family. They're what's most important after all."

"I know. And I will. You have my word."

"Good." She said with a smile, before handing the orange nomad a small, remote-like device. "Here, this'll take you directly to the bridge. It's only good for one shot, but trust me, once you're there you won't need it again."

"Thanks, Demurra. For everything."

"Please think nothing of it. After all you've endured, you deserve a happy ending."

"Maybe so. But then again, nothing ever really ends."

And with that said, Wander put his arm around his beloved wife and pushed the little red button.

Half a second later, they were both gone; leaving the crippled queen alone to look up into the heavens and smile.

"Good luck, you two." She said warmly. "Something tells me you'll need it."

XXX

( _Moments later, on the bridge_ )

With only the slightest bit of hesitation, Wander took his rightful seat in the captain's chair.

Beside him stood his beloved wife, and before him laid infinite possibilities.

All was right with the universe.

And yet…

"Oh yeah! Now this is more like it." Dominator said excitedly. "This is how it's done, baby. This is traveling the universe in style. Computer, what's the nearest Class-2 Galaxy?"

" **Processing… Processing… That would be the Rokuyukai Galaxy. Approximately 2.5 million lightyears south by southwest of our current location.** "

"Ooo~ That sounds fancy. What do you think, Pumpkin?" she asked in her trademark bubbly demeanor; before quickly shifting to a more serious tone when she received no immediate response. "Uh… Pumpkin? Are you okay?"

"Wh-What? Oh, yeah, that sounds great. Eh… set a course. Warp-2."

" **Affirmative. Course set. Warp-2 will begin in 90 seconds… 89… 88… 87…** "

"Hey, Wander, baby, what's the matter?"

"It's nothing, I just… I didn't wanna say anything in front of Demurra, but… this ship it's… it just seems like too much, you know. I mean, I'm used to walking everywhere I go and camping out under the stars. I'm not really sure if I'm right for this sort of thing."

" **71… 70… 69… 68…** "

"Oh, honey… I know how you feel. I'm not really loving the layout of this place myself. It's way too sterile for my tastes, and if I'm being honest, I miss my old lava-ship almost as much as you miss sleeping outdoors. But… we're parents now, so I guess we gotta make adjustments for the good of our child."

"Yeah…. I guess you're right."

" **49… 48… 47… 46…** "

"Hey, don't look so glum. Maybe while we're traveling we can pick up a proper crew. And once little Cassandra's born, this big ol' ship won't seem nearly as…"

"Wait, hold on there a second. You wanna name our baby Cassandra?"

" **33… 32… 31… 30…** "

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, don't you think that's a little inappropriate? Naming our sweet little angel after your _mother_?"

"And what's wrong with that? Cassandra's a beautiful name."

"Maybe for now. But what about when she gets older and asks about who she's named after? Are you gonna tell her the truth about what that _woman_ put you through?"

" **22… 21… 20… 19…** "

"Okay, smart guy. Then what do you suggest we name our child?"

"Well, I was thinking Humperdinck."

"There's no way in **_hell_** I'm letting you name our daughter Humperdinck!"

" **…** **10… 9… 8…** "

"No, silly. Our _son's_ name is Humperdinck. Our _daughter's_ name is Petunia."

" _Petunia_? You might as well name her _Kick-Me_. No way!"

" **6… 5… 4…** "

"Well there's no way we're naming our child after _your_ mother!"

"Oh, yes we are!"

"Oh, no we're not!"

"Oh, yes we _are_!"

" **1… 0… Warp Drive Initiated.** "

"We're not naming our daughter Cassandra and that's fin _AAAAAAAAAAAAA_ _ **AAAAAL**_!"

And then they were gone.

End Notes:

Well, there you have it. That's the end of the story. Or at least Wander and Dominator's part in it anyway. There's going to be an Epilogue of course, but they won't be in it unfortunately. However, I do have one last little surprise in store for all of you. Sort of a reward to sticking with me through this long and crazy journey.

What is it, you ask?

Well… let's just say this series has one final bombshell that's gonna blow your freaking minds.

But until then, please don't forget leave a review on your way out and I'll see you all in the final chapter.

Peace.


	9. Chapter 9

I'm a man of few words, so let's get this over with. All characters, settings, etcetera, are owned by either Disney, Insomniac Games, and/or Sony Interactive Entertainment. Blah, Blah, Blah, Enjoy.

The Final Problem: Epilogue.

( _Seven Months Later_ )

Aether Plaza.

The Omni-Dimensional Headquarters of the Magical High Commission.

Some call it the Linchpin that holds our fair universe together.

Others call it a superfluous Wonderland of Red Tape.

But on this day, on this seemingly uneventful Tuesday morning, one man would call this place a crucible.

For on this day, his fate would be decided by a higher power.

In the highest room of the plaza's impossibly tall tower, four of the five members of the MHC's high council sat around one end of their infamous black mahogany conference table, while the subject of their meeting stood at the other; clapped in irons, as it were.

"I assume you know why you're here." Said the first council member dryly; her form that of a short, demon-like girl with alabaster skin and amber eyes.

"And I assume you lost your virginity in a portable toilet." Replied their captive derisively.

"This isn't a joke, Neckbeard. This is serious." Said the second councilman; speaking remotely through what looked like a crystal ball. "You've committed a Level-12 Cosmic Infraction. Your very existence hangs in the balance. So it might not be such a bad idea to show a little tact."

"Aren't you gonna wait until everyone gets here? You'll strain your voice lecturing me twice."

"Queen Butterfly has more important things to do than deal with cheap lowlifes like you." Said the third council member; a large, cloaked figure with a diamond for a head. "Besides, we don't need her for this. Our decision is unanimous."

"Wow, _unanimous_. That's a four-syllable word. I didn't think you knew any with more than two."

"Why you smug little…"

"Easy, Rhombulus." Said the being in the crystal ball. "Don't let him get you riled up. He knows he can't escape justice, so he's just trying to cause trouble to save face. One last act of defiance before we pass sentence."

"Oh, for the love of… This is _ridiculous_!" the chubby wizard said in exasperation. "I didn't do anything!"

"That's exactly our point!" replied the little demon girl; suddenly sounding quite furious. "You learned of the existence of an _eighth_ pair of Traveler's Scissors and you didn't _do_ anything! You didn't try to contact us! You didn't try to take them back! You just sat on your butt and let some lunatic almost destroy the entire universe!"

"As I recall, you were the one who taught Eclipsa how to make those stupid things in the first place. So why aren't you over here in handcuffs?"

"Because I'm _me_ , and you're a walking burlap sack full of s***!"

"Easy, Hekapoo." Said the creature in the crystal ball; once again acting as the voice of reason. "What my colleague is trying to say, is that although her actions in the past are indirectly responsible for this near catastrophe, her actions at the time were well intentioned. Whereas your actions were based solely on selfishness and a general disregard for the lives of others. A trait, I might add, that has caused this council numerous problems in the past."

" _That_ and you're a fat sack of s***."

"Yes, well, not that I value your stupid opinions on anything, but I wasn't exactly sitting on my hands the whole time. If you'll recall, it was I who gathered the materials necessary to seal the black hole. And it was _I_ who told the denizens of Satellite 9 how to use them. So, technically, that makes me a hero."

" _Hero_?" said Rhombulus disgustedly. "You think you're a hero because you convinced someone _else_ to commit suicide?"

"Oh, sure, you can make anything sound bad if you spend all day shuffling words around."

"That's _it_ , I've heard enough!" said the diamond headed figure angrily, before shifting his gaze toward the fourth councilman; a tall goat/demon like creature who seemed content to remain silent. "Chancellor Lekmet, with all due respect, this is a waste of our time. Its obvious Neckbeard feels no remorse for his actions. So I say we just pass sentence on him and get it over with."

"Yeah! I'm with rock head!" said Hekapoo excitedly. "Let's cook this sucker and call it a day!"

"Now hold on, everyone. Let's not lose our heads." The crystal ball creature said suddenly; again, trying to maintain some semblance of order. "Now I'll admit, Neckbeard's obstinance can be a bit… infuriating. But surely it only comes from fear. I mean, practically all his life, the young mage has been revered as the most talented sorcerer in his part of the universe. And now, for the first time, he feels helpless, vulnerable; it's only natural for him to want to lash out. As wise and ancient cosmic beings, we must exercise mercy and understanding. Otherwise, how are we any better than the dark forces we combat every day. Now, Neckbeard, isn't there something you'd like to say to us? Something that might encourage us to show leniency?"

"Yeah, go f*** yourselves."

"Oh well, I tried." Said the crystal ball creature; seeming to shrug his shoulders. "All in favor of banishing the wizard Neckbeard to the Realm of Inconceivable Agony, say aye."

"Aye!"

"Aye!"

"Bah!"

"And I also say aye. The vote is unanimous. Motion carried. Hekapoo, you may proceed."

"With pleasure." Said the demon girl amusedly as a wicked smile spread across her lips; revealing a rather impressive set of razor sharp teeth.

Then, with almost catlike grace and agility, she hopped up onto the table and began to walk towards her intended victim. Within moments she was standing over him, and with more than a hint of girlish glee she pulled out her signature weapons; a pair of twin scissor blades.

"Any last words, fat boy?"

"Cumquat, Wolverine, and Haberdashery."

"What?"

"I don't know, I've just always liked those words."

"Ugh! Couldn't you at least _pretend_ that you're not a total jackass?"

"That depends, can you pretend that you deserve your rank and tittle?"

"Why you arrogant little…"

"If the boy is arrogant, he learned it from watching the four of you."

That last line came not from the defendant, nor from any of the members of the Magic High Commission. But rather, it came from a small, blue, jinn like creature that had somehow floated into the room without anyone noticing.

"What the?"

"Glossaryck?"

"Bah?"

"Oh great, what's he doing here?"

"So sorry I'm late." The little jinn said in sort of a light sarcastic tone. "My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail. You're lucky I made it at all."

"You weren't invited at all." Said Rhombulus angrily.

"Yeah, Glossaryck. You're kinda killing the vibe in here." Said Hekapoo indignantly. "Besides, you're not a member of this council. So unless _we_ summon you, you've got no right to be in these chambers."

Glossaryck, however, was not impressed by their posturing.

"Children, you forget yourselves." The aged jinn said sternly. "First of all, I _created_ this council. So as far as I'm concerned, I can come here whenever I darn well feel like it. And second, there are only a few beings in all the universe who can _summon_ me anywhere, and the last time I checked none of your names end with Butterfly."

"Easy, Glossaryck." Said the crystal ball creature, in a clear attempt to play peacemaker. "Hekapoo was only…"

"I know what she was doing, Omnitraxus." The little jinn cut him off sharply. "I also know about this ridiculous kangaroo court you were holding to decide this young man's fate. And I must say, I'm severely disappointed in all of you. I mean really, sentencing someone to unspeakable doom just for making a simple mistake."

" _Simple mistake_!" Rhombulus roared furiously. "You call almost destroying the universe a _simple mistake_? _I_ call that a cosmic felony!"

"Oh please, who among us hasn't done something that constitutes a _cosmic felony_? Or need I bring up some of _your_ simple mistakes?"

Suddenly, the four members of the high council grew very pale, which caused Neckbeard to smirk amusedly.

"As I recall, Hekapoo, you once gave a pair of Dimensional Scissors to King Brando of Nod; thus setting in motion the chain of events that led to the destruction of Maripoza." The old jinn said in a stern, almost paternal tone. "Or perhaps you think rescuing a single Farfalla justifies your mistake."

Hekapoo's already pale skin grew paler by the second, and the expression on her face told everyone she wanted to bury her head in the sand.

"Then there's you, Omnitraxus. I believe it was your idea to let the Zoni share their time travel technology with the Fongoids. And we all know how well _that_ turned out."

"Low blow, man. Low blow."

"And Rhombulous, when you learned that your best friend, the High Exalted Milliner of Marzipan, had been brutally murdered by the pirate Angstrom Darkwater, you went on a rampage across the universe to try and avenge him. A rampage that was not only fruitless, but also destroyed nine planets; three of which were inhabited."

Rhombulus said nothing; he just buried his face in his hands.

"And as for you, Lekmet. I think we all remember the day you snuck aboard that Insectoid ship and used your powers to resurrect a poor, tortured lab animal." The little man continued, this time really trying to jam it in deeper. "Oh, you thought you were performing an act of kindness, but instead you unleashed one of the universe's greatest monsters. Why, if that gamma radiation hadn't given him amnesia, who knows what atrocities he might have committed."

"Bah…"

"I myself trained Eclipsa, the Queen of Darkness, in the ways of magic and sorcery. So if you're going to punish Neckbeard for his mistake, then we might as well all jump into the fire with him."

"Now hold on, Glossaryck. This is hardly fair." Said Omnitraxus defensively. "Neckbeard acted out of selfishness, whereas we acted only with the best of intensions."

"So what." Glossaryck replied bluntly. "What difference does it make what our intensions were. The fact remains that we are all responsible for the deaths of others; either directly or indirectly. So if Neckbeard deserves to be punished for the death of one, then so do we for our collective quintillions."

"Baaaah?"

"What I'm _getting at_ , Lekmet, is that you're going to condemn someone for a crime we've all committed at one point or another, and I think that's unfair. So, I'm giving you all an ultimatum. Either you reverse your decision and let Neckbeard go free, or we all join him in the Realm of Inconceivable Agony. Period."

" _What_?"

"BAAAAAAAAAH!"

"You can't be serious!"

"Oh, I'm dead serious. It's hypocritical to punish someone else for a crime we've all committed before without consequences."

"Yeah, but…"

"But nothing. Those are my terms. And before any of you get any smart ideas, keep in mind that once I decide to do something, there's next to nothing anyone can do to stop me."

None of the council members dared to respond. Though two of them, never mind which ones, did shoot the old jinn some rather dirty looks.

"So, children. What's it gonna be?"

XXX

( _Aether Plaza Main Entrance, A Short Time Later_ )

"Have a magical day." Said the doorman cheerfully as he waved the two visitors out the door.

"Get bent." Replied Neckbeard sourly, before turning his attention back to his savior. "Anyway, Glossaryck, I don't usually do this, but… thanks, I guess, for saving me back there."

"Don't mention it." Replied the old jinn casually. "And don't read too much into it either. That was more anti-them than pro-you."

"Fair enough, I suppose. But the question still remains. Why did you do it? You've always been something of a neutral party; at least as long as I've known you. And in all that time, I've never seen you stick your neck out for anybody. Not even your former masters. So why me? Why now?"

"You know, I'm not really sure." he answered honestly. "I guess I just got this sudden funny feeling that you didn't deserve to be punished."

"But you don't have feelings."

"Yes, I know. Strange isn't it." The old jinn said cheekily. "Maybe the universe just decided to cut you a break. I mean, in some strange way, your selfishness made things turn out for the better. Sylvia's gotten her hero's reward, and Hater has been permanently banished from the cosmos. All's well that ends well, I suppose."

"Say, whatever happened to ol' marrow brain anyway?"

"I don't know. And to be honest, I don't particularly care."

"That's not a satisfying answer, Glossaryck."

"No, it isn't. But then again, they very seldom are."

"Whatever. Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"Oh, that's right. It's the Princess' 14th Birthday today. Can't miss that. Well, I'll be seeing you."

"Wait, hold on. Before you go, what was all that stuff about a 'hero's reward' for Sylvia. Her body was atomized. I'd hardly call _that_ a reward."

"That's because you focus too much on the material plane."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Neckbeard, that our universe is vast, complicated, and quite frankly ridiculous. And while at times it seems to only favor the ruthless, it rewards the selfless as well. And yes, like you said, her body was destroyed, but the soul can never be destroyed. A soul can endure almost anything. So much so, that sometimes, instead of moving on to the next world, a soul can find a new host."

"Reincarnation? You're saying Sylvia's been reincarnated?"

"Yes indeedy. And that means, someday very soon, she and Wander will be reunited."

"Really? How? When?"

"That depends. How long has Dominator been pregnant again?"

"Well I don't know, what does that have to do with… _no_."

" _Yes_."

"You can't mean…"

"I do."

"Sylvia's going to be…"

"Buh-bye~"

"Wait, Glossaryck, don't…"

But it was too late.

Glossaryck was gone.

Leaving Neckbeard all by himself.

"Huh… oh well." The chubby wizard said casually as he gave his shoulders a slight shrug and looked towards the sky. "I wonder what's on TV tonight."

End Notes:

Coming this May.

From the creative mind that brought you The Pillow Talk and The Breakup.

Comes a brand-new fanfiction experience.

Dr. Indigo proudly presents: Stand and Deliver: A Star vs. the Forces of Evil / Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Crossover Epic.

Starring:

Star Butterfly.

Marco Diaz.

Jackie Lynn Thomas.

Janna Ordonia.

Starfan13.

And introducing, the incomparable Jefferson Speedwagon.

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